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Archive for the ‘First World Problems’ Category

Where Am I?

So I find myself on a particular journey through time whereby I am ‘finding’ myself. I’m right here physically, I know that, so to begin with I had no idea what the phrase meant; to ‘find’ oneself. When I learnt of people going on travelling expeditions and certain ‘pilgrimage’ type adventures, as a reliable source of ‘finding’ oneself, I found the idea even more ludicrous. You need to physically move to find yourself, even though you’re right there!? So it’s only now that I’m pursuing the event myself that I appreciate what it means (and what it entails).
My current understanding is that sometimes an unfortunate thing will happen to some people: they’ll lose themselves. Mentally. They’ll not understand where they are in life, or why, or what their next move is, or what their long term goal is. This happened to me. I presume that other people going through this feel (or felt) the same things I did. (I say this because I doubt very highly that I am different to 7 billion people, and my thoughts are so unconnected and unlike anybody else’s thoughts. I can safely say that during the first part of finding myself I realised I’m not genetically different as a reason to why I’m feeling this way.) So it’s with the very cynical opinion I have adopted that I found I hit a barrier when it came to initially accepting help for this little problem I encountered. Being stubborn (and a woman) I wanted to work things out on my own – find myself, myself. This didn’t work. I hit another obstacle; if I wasn’t myself, and had to change, I could not adapt to the person I had become, because that’s who I wanted to change. I had to find help elsewhere, so I felt slightly defeated and a little degraded. You can almost guarantee you have a problem when there’s something going on in your life that you cannot sort out on your own. Another barrier slammed itself right in front of me; allowing someone or something else to take control? Of me? I’m currently still undergoing this step and when I learn to allow some of my self control to leave me, I will carry on pursuing the journey. Unless of course I can’t find my way back, or I get lost…
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